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Thursday, May 23, 2019

He's in the National Guard

Colin left last week for basic training.  I knew it would be hard, but had no idea how hard it would be.  It has taken me a whole week to wrap my head around it.  I have so many emotions that I just feel like I am going crazy. 

He was away at college all last year.  He is not the most outgoing communicator and I was trying to let him get his wings, so I mostly left him alone.  If I talked to him once a week, that was a lot.  We would text, but it was mostly things like what he needed, or when I would pick him up.  He only came home when it would make it worth his while to bring his video game systems home.  So never.  I thought I was ready.  Clearly I'm not. 

I knew dropping him off would be bad.  It was.  That whole day was bad.  I thought every phone call would be our last.  He ended up calling five times that day.  When he called from the bus taking him to his base, he sounded so scared.  I cried.  That was the last time we talked to him that wasn't a scripted call.  Until he got five minutes this week.  He cried.  I cried.  It was so good and so bad at the same time.  Conflicting emotions. 

I think the problem is that I just can't reach out to talk to him.  I could before and we chose not to.  He is going through the biggest thing in his life to date, and I don't know what is going on.  We can write letters, but that is like going back to the stone age.  All of the waiting is killing me. 

I am happy that he is doing what he wants to do.  I am proud that he is serving our country.  I am sure that he was as ready to go as he could have been, and I know he is strong in both mind and body.  I am scared that he is scared.  I am hopeful for the man he is going to be when he gets to the other side.  I am mad that he is gone.  I am confused about military life.  I am uncertain about what lies ahead for him, and how this will affect him long term.  Mostly I am tired.

If you ask me I will say I'm OK, and I am, because I have to be.  We are in the Army now.