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Monday, June 24, 2019

I'm Still Waiting for a Call...

There were no rainbows and unicorns on Father's Day.  I felt like my soul had been crushed.  As the day turned into night and I knew it wasn't going to happen, I couldn't even cry.  I went to my room and just laid there.  I didn't even turn on the television as that would have been too much for me to deal with. 

I still haven't gotten a call.  Still haven't heard his voice.  It has been over a month. 

What I have gotten have been letters.  These are now my most prized possessions.  They reside in my fire proof safe, and besides Dave, Ryan and Max, they are what I would grab if I have to evacuate my house. 

These letters are amazing.  When one comes in the mail, I can almost forgive the Post Office for all the days that I come in empty handed.  I get a glimpse into his life, and they give me hope that I can make it for another five weeks. 

I know other companies have gotten phone privileges, but it seems that there are a few kids who can not find it in themselves to remain quiet during formation.  When graduation comes, I want to have a word with these kids.  All I need would be 5 minutes, but I suppose if they are not afraid of the Drill Sargents,  they will not be afraid of me.  Here is where they would learn that there are few things scarier than a mother that has been kept from hearing the dulcet tones of her son's beautiful voice. 

In the meantime, I will continue to stalk my mailbox for some camouflage paper and the chicken scratch that keeps me going. 

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Instant Gratification vs Snail Mail

I really had no idea how a cell phone has changed my expectations on instant gratification.  If you want to talk to someone, however novel that might be, you call them.  If you want to text, you can expect someone to reply relatively quickly.  Don't know a fact?  You can literally look up anything. 

Here is what you can't do when your loved one is in basic training.  Any of the above.  There is no communication unless it comes from the United States Postal Service. 

The USPS can be a heartless bitch. 

I haven't gotten a letter in over a week.  I woke up this morning with an actual heart ache.  It seems I have gotten my hopes up that since it is Father's Day, they might let our SIT (soldier in training for those that aren't in the know) call home. 

Somehow, I think that the United States Army is going to crush my dreams. 

I also had no idea how the cell phone has spoiled my simple joy of anticipation.  When I do get some kernel of communication, it is as if the sky has opened and rainbows and unicorns are flying across the sky.  It is so sweet I can almost taste it. So tangible I am carrying it in my arms. I have a renewed idea of the importance of quality communication over quantity.  Because space and time are so limited, I think before I speak or write.  I have my questions ready for when he calls.  I will savor his voice until the next time I hear it. 

Today might be the day that I hear it.  My hopes are so high that I woke up at 6am like a kid on Christmas morning.  I am trying to protect my heart in case I don't get what I want, but we all know exactly what will happen when he doesn't call.  In case you are wondering, just ask my family about the leather coat.  It wasn't pretty.

Today might not be my Christmas morning, but I know it is coming.  I know when it does that my appreciation for the gift of his voice will be better than all the leather coats combined.  It will be the best Christmas morning there has ever been.  I will be whole again. 

As hard as this is, I better get used to this because we are in the Army now. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Random Thoughts - Memorial Day, Nashville, and Fitbit

This year, Memorial Day took on a whole new meaning.  I will admit that before Colin joined the National Guard I was guilty of enjoying a day off work.  Beyond that, I didn't give it much thought.  Now that it affects me, I gave it a lot of thought.  I thought of all the Gold Star families, and how hard Memorial Day is for them.  I thought of all the people in the Armed Services, and what they do.  I realize that in this day and age, a draft is unlikely, so they are all there because they choose to be, but they are willing to give far more than I am for this country. 

Other aspects I never thought of.  Colin's only form of communication is snail mail.  Hello, 1989 is calling and wants its communication back.  I now have a renewed appreciation for the mail service.  Also, in the old time movies when people would ask, "Have you heard from the front?" I didn't think about that beyond the plot of the movie.  Now I realize it is a true lifeline for us.  I wonder how Colin will be with technology once he gets home. 

I traveled to Nashville this past week for work.  Even though I didn't see much outside of the Omni Hotel, it is a lovely city.  I felt very safe walking around, and I even visited the Country Music Hall of Fame. There was music EVERYWHERE, and the food was amazing.  How does Ohio not have Chicken Fried Chicken in more places?  As in any big city, homelessness was a problem.  After a friend and I finished eating, we had a half a pizza left over.  We decided to give it to the first homeless person we saw.  There was a man digging through the trash and we asked him if he wanted it.  He said, "I guess I will take it.  It will hurt my stomach, but I will take it."  This made me think a little more about the situation.  My initial reaction was that this was a true beggar that is choosing.  My second thought was that it probably would hurt his stomach, but it was clean.  My third thought was if I was being condescending when I was trying to help.  I thought of my white privilege.  My last thought was that he was not obligated to like what I gave him, and I should remember that everyone has feelings.  I thought I was better than this. Maybe that is my problem, and this knocked me down off my high horse. 

I am now addicted to my Fitbit.  How can I be addicted to something that I hate?  Yesterday I was taking Max for a walk and remembered that it was charging.  I was so mad that I had wasted steps, and a flight of stairs.  My original reason for getting it was so I could see what time it is at night.  The clock is too small to see from my side of the bed.  Now it mocks me daily.  It reminds me hourly that I am a sloth by vibrating and telling me how many steps I need to hit my goal.    I do not like or appreciate the dissonant feeling it gives me, and I refuse to be ruled by it.  Guilted? Yes.  Ruled? NO.

All of these things are giving me big, uncomfortable feelings.  I suppose they are making me grow as a person, but I was happy where I was.  Growth is hard, but it is good, and needed.  I will just have to hang on tightly for the ride.