Grief is Complicated

 It has been just over a month since my dad died.  In the immediate aftermath, I wasn't crushed like I had imagined I would be.  I kept waiting for it, but I felt a strange sense of relief and peace.  My dad had really suffered, and I was glad it was behind us.  The waiting was horrible.  I don't feel like there was anything left unsaid or undone. I know in my heart that he wanted for nothing and few people are lucky enough to be surrounded by that much love.  What I find happening is that it sneaks up like a ninja, when I least expect it, and stabs me right in the heart.  

Before my dad got sick I would go for a couple of weeks without seeing my parents, but I would talk to them a couple of times a week.  Most of the time I was just catching up or would have a cooking question for my mom. If Dad didn't answer the phone, I would ask how he was doing but I didn't make a special point to talk to him.  

Yesterday I went to the house to help my mom with something.  I have been okay with that because I am at peace with my new reality, but the ninja struck when I saw his toothbrush still on the charger.  All of the sudden I wasn't seeing this as him dying, I saw it as him being gone.  There is a big distinction that I hadn't really considered.  He isn't going to be there to answer the phone.  He isn't there to start the birthday song.  He isn't there to brush his teeth.  

This really stinks.   

Today I am the Luckiest Girl on the Face of the Earth!

 My dad died last night. 

That is not why I am lucky.  I am lucky because I got to spend 50 years with the original girl dad.  For those new to my story, I am the youngest of four girls. He was proud to be our dad and I never once thought that he was disappointed to not have any boys.  People asked him all the time how he handled it.  Even though he had to build himself a shower in the basement and threatened to go to Ireland on multiple occasions, he always brushed off comments with a quick wit and charm.   I will remember him being at my track meets holding my Holly Hobbie sleeping blanket while I was high jumping so I wouldn't have to be cold one second longer than necessary.  When I gave birth to Colin and we started getting visitors, he came over to hold my hand.  I asked him if he wanted to see the baby, and he said he would get to that, but he wanted to make sure that everything was okay with his own baby.  My dad could fix anything. MacGyver could have learned a thing or two from him.    He could make anything, and if he didn't know how, he would figure it out.   I once stopped by while I was living at school and asked him if he could make me a table for my fish tank.  Before I went back, I had the perfect table that was made out of old cabinet doors and a 2x4.  It was painted white and even had a shelf for the food and accessories.  I assumed that every house had a Shopsmith and a basement full of power tools.  

I could fill 50 posts with stories of my dad, but he is not the only reason I am lucky.  Over the last year I have been spending a lot of time with my parents as we have been navigating this experience.  This time, while devastating, has also been a great gift.  I have always known my mom was a force of nature who has non stop energy and never sits down.  She has shown amazing grace under pressure and patience and gentleness that simply cant be put into words.  Her remarkable generosity of spirit and kindness is an example that I will strive to live up to.  

Finally, I have three wonderful sisters.  We have not always seen eye to eye, but no matter what, they have always been my three best friends.  I am so fortunate to have spent my life with these strong women and to have them to lean on now.  We each have our strengths that have come together to form a formidable team.  If only one of us had gone into healthcare, this might have been a smoother ride, but one man has never had more love and attention showered on him as he has made this transition.  

All of us, the original six, are a team.  When you get one of us, you get all of us, whether you are prepared for that or not.  One of our leaders is gone, but the lessons left behind will never be lost.  The six of us have grown to 20 with new additions along the way.  We are surrounded by love and support and gentle kindness of spirit.  I know that we will make my dad proud as we continue to knock 'em stiff.  

My Nemesis

I'm just going to say it.  I hate squirrels.  In my eyes they are rats with fluffy tails.  I am sure they serve some purpose in the circle of life, but I think it might be to drive me crazy.  I have been chased by them at Kent State, had one that thought it was a pet and tried to get into my house and car, and they often eat my flower bulbs.  They also used my bird feeder as their personal diner.  They are a menace to society.  

 This is the current view from my window where I sit every day while I work.  

It might  not look like much now, but in the summer I like to sit on my porch while I work or read a book.  You can find me here anytime it is warm enough.  In the winter it is kind of dreary, but I dream of the day that it will be warm again.  

We used to have a large population of squirrels, but a hawk seems to have taken care of that.  We are down to two now.  I have adopted a live and let live policy with them as long as they stay on the outside of my porch.  One squirrels likes to push me to my limit by running around on the outside of the screen and taunting me.  If I am in a bad mood I will go outside and yell at it and shake my fist while it mocks me knowing that there is nothing I can do about it.  

Imagine my surprise when I was reading yesterday and I heard a commotion on the porch.  I turned around to see that damn squirrel hanging ON THE INSIDE OF THE SCREEN! I knew it was freaked out because it couldn't figure out how to get back out, so after I calmed down I decided I was going to go outside and prop the door open so it could remove itself from my side of the screen.  

I took the pole that keeps the slider locked and went outside and up our very steep steps.  I opened the door and put the pole in place and was trying to get behind the door when it went flying out and landed on the steps.  There we were, staring at each other as it blocked my path to escape.  Finally it took its leave and jumped into the tree.  

I have found the hole that allowed his entry, and it has been blocked.  I hope it enjoyed it's little joyride as that is the last time he is getting on my side of my happy place.  

Motivation (or Lack Thereof)

 You might have noticed that this blog has been neglected this year,  My motivation has been non-existent.  We are living in a worldwide pandemic, and I didn't think I had anything to write about.  I have spent the last few months in a haze of homeschooling a 15 year old, working, and watching untold hours of Law and Order SVU.  Seriously, what is it about that show that sucks you in?  There are over 400 episodes!

My first childhood best friend has written a book.  A whole adult novel, and it is spectacular.  People, when it comes out, it is going to rocket to the NYTimes best seller list.  SERIOUSLY! In messaging back and forth to her, we have spoken about my writing, and my idea for an adult novel.  The thought of putting that much effort into my idea is really overwhelming, so I have let it simmer on the back burner of  my brain for about 18 months.  I keep talking it over with my sister, Ann, and nothing really happens.  Oh well.  

Today on one of my many trips to the high school to drop Ryan off to basketball, Fresh Air was on my local NPR station.  Annie Leibovitz was the guest, and Teri Gross introduced her as a quirky writer who likes to share her opinions.  I thought, "Well I am a quirky writer, and I have a lot of opinions that I would like to share."  One of my favorites that can be controversial is that mustard and mayonnaise are disgusting.  If  Dave should choose to have that on his sandwich, a piece of gum or a good teeth brushing are in order before he comes near me.  (We are coming up on our 25th wedding anniversary in July.  He is a saint.)  My point is that Annie doesn't really have anything on me, aside from fame and fortune, so I need to get back in the game.   

Here are some topics that I have brewing:

1. How long should I wait before getting a puppy, and should I wait until it is warmer? 

2.  Living in a small house with 4 large people, and how we have survived. 

3,  Quantity over quality time spent with family. 

4.  Max.  This one is still a bit raw for me.  How could a 15 pound ball of fur capture my heart? 

5.  Covid-19  It is not a hoax.  

6.  Cutting Cable.  We finally did it!

I will try to stay away from politics, but I make no promises after what happened last week.  I just can't wrap my head around that yet.  

Susan told me that to get in shape to write her book she wrote fan fiction every day for K-Pop stars.  I had to look up what K-Pop was, so I think I need to pick a different subject. I need to get myself back into writing shape.  Shake the proverbial cobwebs from my brain.  It may be that I am not meant to write an entire novel, and I really should just be an essayist.  Either way, this should get me started.