The Joy of Motherhood...

How many times have you heard about the overwhelming love that overcomes new mothers when they are first handed their infants after birth?  I have watched it a thousand times on "A Baby Story" and in countless movies.  All my life I have heard these accounts and assumed that it would happen to me.  The whole time I was expecting Colin I was anticipating the greatest love of all, the love between parent and child, to come over me like a tidal wave and I would experience pure bliss. 

That is not how it happened for me. 

I will spare you the details of Colin's fairly normal birth story.  Most of you already know them.  Why don't we just cut to the moment when the nurse held up my beautiful child seconds after he was born.  I was waiting for the crush of love.  Instead I felt a wave of fear, exhaustion and relief that the whole thing was almost over.  I remember thinking, why aren't they cleaning him off?  Then thinking, what is wrong with me?  I looked over to Dave and saw the look of amazement on his face and thought, he is getting the crush of love, where is mine? 

We took Colin home with us, with the usual thoughts of why, in the name of all that is holy and just, did they think that Dave and I were capable of keeping this child alive, and where the heck was the owners manual?  It was February in Ohio and we were driving in our little Honda Civic that amplified every pothole and crack in the highway.  I remember snapping at Dave for hitting them on purpose. I waited for the wave thinking that now that we were really in charge it would come, but instead I was grouchy at best.   Happy and loving was not even on my radar.  I knew that I loved him, and I knew that he was ours, and the love that I felt for him was much different than any other kind of love I had for anyone, but it wasn't the crushing love I had been waiting for my whole life.  Certainly there was something horribly wrong with me. 

As time went on, my love for him grew, and every once in a while I get hit with the wave.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Colin earned the opportunity to attend the Reading and Writing Festival that is held for area kids that read seven books and write a sort of book report to go along with it.  Since it was held on the campus where I work, I decided to go for a little bit and see what it was like.  I walked into the session that was already going on and sat in the back.  It was a talk by an author of several of the books that were on the required reading list, and the theatre style room was dark.  It took me about five minutes to find him and then I just sat and watched.  There is nothing quite like watching your child when he is not aware of what you are doing.  Over the next 40 minutes, I was hit by wave after wave of crushing love.  I was watching his reactions to the story the author was giving, and seeing him interact with his friends.  I thought over the last 13 years and all we have been through and I got choked up.  It may have taken me a while to get where most people are instantly, but my, have I made up for lost time.  There are no words for it.  He is not just my child, he is a piece of my soul. 

Colin, thanks for making me a mother, and I will love you always. 

Bobby McFerrin and the Cherry Coke

I few weeks ago I had to write copy for the Bobby McFerrin concert.  My initial thought was, " who wants to see the 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' guy sing".  Because I was not familiar with his body of work, I set out to do some research.  Guys, did you know that he has 10 Grammy awards?  This guy is amazing.  He is the original beat boxer.  He can do things with his voice that should not be possible. 

In my infinite wisdom, I thought this would be a great concert for the kids.  In the future, if I mention that I am taking my seven year old son to a 2 hour music event that does not include cartoon characters, please slap me.  Certainly I am not in my right mind and need you to give me a reality check.  He did pretty well for the first hour because I had threatened him to within an inch of his life.  We were in Row G and I told him that the musicians would be able to see him. 

I was so happy when Bobby (since we were so close to the stage, I feel that I forged a bond with him and he wouldn't mind me calling him Bobby) decided on the spur of the moment to sing "Blackbird" which is one of my favorite songs. At the end of the song he made a noise that sounded like birds flying, but Ryan heard it much differently.  In the whisper that carries over every other sound, Ryan said, "Did he really just fart while he is on stage?!?!?!"  As if I needed to be reminded that Ryan sees the world in a whole different light, a few songs later Bobby sang "Joshua Lost the Battle of Jericho".  About halfway through the song, Ryan tapped me on the shoulder and asked me, "Why is he singing about Cherry Coke?  He must really like it."

This whole concert was amazing.   Bobby and his band looked like they were genuinely having a great time though at some points I thought it might have been chemically enhanced. I am still not all that familiar with his work, but when the album drops on May 14th, I think I may have to own it

As a side note, this post is in no way sponsored by Bobby McFerrin or anyone else for that matter.  I just really like him now. 

Elie Wiesel

Earlier this week I had the privilege to see Elie Wiesel speak.  I didn't really know that much about him, but figured it would be a once in a lifetime chance to see a Nobel Peace Prize winner speak.  I knew he survived the Holocaust, and that was enough for me.  I had few expectations, but I was overwhelmed with the life lessons he shared.  These are the big three that stuck with me. 

Hope.  Each person's definition of hope is different, but hope is essential for survival.  When he was in a concentration camp, his definition was a bigger piece of bread or thicker soup.  Without that hope, he would have given up.  Now his hope is much bigger, but still just as important. 

Wasted opportunity.  During the Holocaust, millions of children were killed.  When arriving at the camps, if you were not big or strong enough to work, you were the first to be eliminated.  (That just gave me chills to type.)  Surely at least one of those kids could have become a great leader, or find a cure to disease.  Our world would be a much different place if not for the decimation of a whole generation.  This has truly saddened me since I heard his speech.  I had been able to wrap my head around this when the Holocaust was a concept. I had never allowed myself to think of these people as individuals who were just living their life like I do every day, until one day they weren't.  Just one more example of how life can change in a moment. 

We must all bear witness.  It is all of our responsibility to see what is going on around us.  It is not okay to just live and let live like I have been.  We must take an active part in being the change we would like to see in the world.  We all know that this should never happen again, but it continues to happen in various places around the world.  We must think outside of ourselves and do something.  At this point, I am not sure what that is, but we, as people of privilege, are responsible for helping those that can't help themselves. 

Needless to say, I am still absorbing what I heard and learned.  I have been called to action.  I am not sure what or when that action will be, but it will happen.  Right now, my action is to share Elie's message with others so they will also hear the call.  For now, that will have to be enough. 

10,000, the red marker and a few other things.

It  is time to celebrate.  While I was busy trying to get my life together, I reached 10,000 hits on this website.  I haven't decided if I should be100%  happy about this or not.  It seems that I have as many visitors when I blog regularly as when I don't.  It really is the little blog that could.  Since they have recently announced that they are creating a sequel to Finding Nemo, it makes me want to say, "just keep reading, just keep reading...".  Thanks to those of you that keep coming back. 

Car conversation with Colin on the way home from guitar lessons....
Colin:  I think I need glasses.  I am having a hard time reading the white board in science.
Me:  Is it just science?
Colin:  Yes, just science, and now that I think about it, it is just red. 
Me:  It is just red, and just in science?  Do you sit far away from the board?
Colin:  I sit in the middle of the room.  It seems like the red is not as dark as the other colors.
Me:  Do you think that your teacher needs a new red dry erase marker?
Colin:  hmmm, you might be right. 

I was talking to my new co-worker as he was looking at his calendar.  He said, "hey, did you know that Christmas falls on December 25th this year?"  He said it like this should be ground breaking news.  I was waiting for him to say something else, and when he didn't I mentioned that it falls on the 25th every year.  He said, "hmmm, you have a good point."  (He gave me permission to write this.)

I am really sad that Roger Ebert died .  When I was graduating from high school there was nothing that I wanted to do besides be a movie critic.  I loved movies, I loved writing, what could be better.  The practical side of me said that I needed to prepare for a job that would set me up for a career that would let me live in a lifestyle that I would enjoy so I went into business and got a degree in marketing.  I thought it would be a long time before Gene Siskle or Roger Ebert would leave and create a job opening, so I went in a different direction. 

Also sad about Margaret Thatcher and Annette Funacello.  Each are influential women in their own way, just polar opposite ways. 

Finally, the same co-worker who told me about Christmas also sent me the following e-mail:  (for those of you who are my Facebook friends, excuse the repetition.)  Come to my orifice, I have some yummy pretzels.  I had to reply, "No Thanks!!!"

Kitchen Conversation

Me:  Ryan, I got some granola bars for you to eat for breakfast.

Ryan:  Are they the kind I like?

Me:  Of course

Ryan:  Mom, you are...

Me:  What?

Ryan:  I was going to say "you are the best mom ever!" but that just sounds so cliche.

Me:  Are you really seven? 

Happy Birthday to Me!

Once again, I am back and today is my birthday. It is one of the days that I like to reflect on where I am, where I have been, and where I would like to go. For the first time in a long time, I am at peace. Dave is doing well, Colin is happier in school than he has ever been before, and Ryan is developing a love for reading that is filling me with joy. If my family is happy, I am happy. Spring is on the way and the light at the end of the winter tunnel is getting bigger and brighter. I feel like I am moving in the right direction and a lot of uncertainty has been eliminated. I am starting to feel like a grown up. 

There are several reasons why I have been silent.  The first reason was that I was looking for a new job while trying to get out of my China situation.  Most of the things I would have written about were about those things, and I didn't want to risk anything bad happening.  The good news is that I got the new job.  That was my first early birthday present. 

As I have stated in the past, I do not usually write about my work.  I am no longer working from home, but I have a job that I am loving and it is a great atmosphere.  It is a good thing that I am getting out of my house more and talking to real people in person as opposed to over the phone.  I am a much happier person and I think this is one of the reasons.  I do have the blessing of my employers to talk about work, but I like to keep these things separate, so I will not be doing that at this time.  Suffice it to say that it is where I am supposed to be. 

The second reason that I haven't been writing is that we got an iPad.  It is so much easier to sit in my recliner with Ryan or Max on my lap and read email or Facebook on the iPad instead of sitting at my desk on the laptop.  I don't have a keyboard for it so it is too hard to type a whole post on it. 

That is all for now, but I am making my blog a priority again.  I will be talking to you soon. 

My Reason to Vote

Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to go to China for my new job.  While I am not in any hurry to go back, it gave me a better perspective on what is so great about America. 

The first thing I did when I arrived at my hotel was to try to log on to Facebook.  It didn't work, so I tried it again.  When it didn't work the second time, I called down to the front desk to attempt to ask them how to log on to the network.  Did I mention that nobody spoke English there?  They came up to my room and got me on the Internet, but when I tried to go onto Facebook again, it didn't work.  I skyped one of my co-workers and they told me that the government forbids it.  I cried. 

I then tried to log onto my blog, and again it was blocked because I go through blogger.  I could read Dooce.com which has to be one of the most irreverent blogs I read, but couldn't write on my own.  I cried harder.  The feeling of total isolation was overwhelming and more than a little scary. 

When a car is driving down the street, there are flashing lights.  I asked what it was and the driver told me it was a camera taking a picture.  I asked if he was speeding and he said no, it was just the way they kept track of who was driving. 

All of this was odd to me, but the biggest thing that I still can't wrap my head around is the one child policy.  I can't imagine living in a country where they can tell me how many children I am allowed to have.  I am all for fiscal responsibility, but for a family to have a second child, they have to pay the state a fixed amount before the child is born that is roughly the equivalent of what it will cost to raise said child to the age of 18.  Because this is so expensive, few people have more than one child.  I can't imagine living in a world where nobody has siblings.  It was strange to be out in public and you wouldn't see or hear kids at all.  Some of the people I talked to expressed concern about how this generation is going to be able to take care of the older generations.  It is a lot of responsibility for one child to make enough money to support both the family they create and their parents. 

There were some amazing things about my visit to China.  The food was not one of them, but Shanghai is one of the cleanest cities I have ever seen.  Crime is almost non-existent because the punishment system does a great job of deterring it.  The punishment for selling drugs is death.  They are not fooling around.  I felt very safe walking alone at night.  Everyone that wants a job can have one.  There were a lot of people doing jobs that were not the most productive, but they were working.  After a few days I realized that people in China are really just like us.  They are doing their best to live the best life possible.  They have lived under these restrictions their whole lives, and they are okay with it. 

I am not okay with it.  I am happy to have my two children, and am grateful my parents had 4, seeing as how I am the youngest.  I am thankful that I can have a creative, public blog without being shut down, and I can tell my friends that I am doing nothing on Facebook.  I am glad to know that nobody cares where I am driving my car and no pictures will be taken unless I am speeding in a school zone.  This trip to China underlined for me why America is such a great place to live, and why the Constitution is considered a living document.  While I will be happy to go for a year without any political ads, I appreciate that I have a say in how I want my government to be run, and my vote will count in an election that is really too close to call.  Now that I have seen an alternative, I will never take my right to vote for granted again.