Motivation (or Lack Thereof)

 You might have noticed that this blog has been neglected this year,  My motivation has been non-existent.  We are living in a worldwide pandemic, and I didn't think I had anything to write about.  I have spent the last few months in a haze of homeschooling a 15 year old, working, and watching untold hours of Law and Order SVU.  Seriously, what is it about that show that sucks you in?  There are over 400 episodes!

My first childhood best friend has written a book.  A whole adult novel, and it is spectacular.  People, when it comes out, it is going to rocket to the NYTimes best seller list.  SERIOUSLY! In messaging back and forth to her, we have spoken about my writing, and my idea for an adult novel.  The thought of putting that much effort into my idea is really overwhelming, so I have let it simmer on the back burner of  my brain for about 18 months.  I keep talking it over with my sister, Ann, and nothing really happens.  Oh well.  

Today on one of my many trips to the high school to drop Ryan off to basketball, Fresh Air was on my local NPR station.  Annie Leibovitz was the guest, and Teri Gross introduced her as a quirky writer who likes to share her opinions.  I thought, "Well I am a quirky writer, and I have a lot of opinions that I would like to share."  One of my favorites that can be controversial is that mustard and mayonnaise are disgusting.  If  Dave should choose to have that on his sandwich, a piece of gum or a good teeth brushing are in order before he comes near me.  (We are coming up on our 25th wedding anniversary in July.  He is a saint.)  My point is that Annie doesn't really have anything on me, aside from fame and fortune, so I need to get back in the game.   

Here are some topics that I have brewing:

1. How long should I wait before getting a puppy, and should I wait until it is warmer? 

2.  Living in a small house with 4 large people, and how we have survived. 

3,  Quantity over quality time spent with family. 

4.  Max.  This one is still a bit raw for me.  How could a 15 pound ball of fur capture my heart? 

5.  Covid-19  It is not a hoax.  

6.  Cutting Cable.  We finally did it!

I will try to stay away from politics, but I make no promises after what happened last week.  I just can't wrap my head around that yet.  

Susan told me that to get in shape to write her book she wrote fan fiction every day for K-Pop stars.  I had to look up what K-Pop was, so I think I need to pick a different subject. I need to get myself back into writing shape.  Shake the proverbial cobwebs from my brain.  It may be that I am not meant to write an entire novel, and I really should just be an essayist.  Either way, this should get me started.  

This Could Have Had A Very Different Ending or What I Have In Common with Bob Marley.

I wouldn't consider myself high maintenance when it comes to my appearance.   A dab of eyeliner and a quick swipe of lipstick, and I am usually good to go.  It has been at least three years since I have had my nails done, but I do enjoy a good pedicure.  

Sometime in early 2020 I noticed a shadow at the edge of my thumbnail but assumed that I bumped it and it would go away.  I kept noticing that it was there and getting a bit bigger, but didn't want to go anywhere near the doctor as I didn't want to get Covid.  I was an early adopter of social distancing and wearing a mask, and once I discovered the joy of ordering groceries online, there was really no need for me to go anywhere.  

For the next few months I was happy living in my cocoon.  The weather was nice, and I would work and relax on my back porch where there was a quiet peace.  Ryan decided that he was done with baseball so we were able to relax for the first time in six years.  There was no running around from one game to another.  Life was quite good.  

My sister and I often have lunch together.  We would eat in my car and catch up on life.  In early October we were enjoying an unseasonably warm day when I mentioned that I had this line on my fingernail, and I wondered why it wouldn't go away.  Of course Ann said "you should really get that checked."  We joked about how it would be just my luck to be the first person we knew to have fingernail cancer.  

I kept putting off going to the doctor because my doctor that I had for 30+ years had retired.  We were in the middle of a pandemic, and I didn't want to bother my new doctor that I hadn't even met with a line on my fingernail.  I finally called and made the appointment.  I went in and introduced myself and told her how embarrassed I was to be bothering her with such a stupid thing.  We talked for a bit and she said that she thought it wasn't anything but that I should see a dermatologist.  

Here is where I should have seen the first red flag.  She had me set up with a dermatologist within 3 days.  Not thinking anything about it, I went in and again explained how embarrassed I was to be bothering them with a line on my fingernail.  She looked at it and said that she thought it was a mole under my fingernail and since 49 year old white people don't usually have moles under their fingernails,  I should really get a biopsy.  Oh, and was I free that afternoon as the doctor happened to be in the office and had some time to do it.  This should have been my second red flag.  I thought, oh, how convenient that I could get this over with.  

I went back that afternoon and we shall not talk about what they did, but suffice it to say, they had to take the sample by the base of my nail and not the tip.  Here is where I missed red flag number 3.  On the way out of the room, the doctor said that my next stop would be a hand surgeon.  I took that to mean that if this was bad my next stop would be a hand surgeon.  

I waited a week and hadn't heard anything back so I assumed that everything was fine and I got my thumb mutilated for no reason.  I was ready to put the whole thing behind me.  Dave can be relentless so he made me call on Friday to get the results.  When I called, the girl that answered the phone said she would look up my chart.  There was an awkward pause and she put me on hold.  She came back and she said that they weren't back yet and someone would call me on Monday.  I did get an uneasy feeling about it, but Max, my dog, was really sick and I put it out of my head thinking that I didn't want to borrow trouble.  That was red flag number 4.  I chose to ignore that one.  

Monday rolls around and I get a call from the nurse at the dermatologist who tells me that what I had was in fact melanoma and she was scheduling an appointment with the hand surgeon.  Leave it to me to get fingernail cancer.  The good news was that it wasn't deep and should be easily removed.  We talked about how long it might take to grow my nail back, and then hung up.  

I went to see the surgeon and he came in the room and told me that I wasn't going to like what he had to tell me.  I was expecting him to tell me that he was going to take my fingernail off and that it might not grow back flat.  What he really told me was that he was going to remove the entire nail bed and that my nail wouldn't grow back at all.  If it went really deep, he might have to remove my thumb to the first knuckle.  I didn't miss that red flag.  I appreciated how up front he was and asked if they were going to do it before the end of the year as I had met our deductible.  He looked at me like I was crazy and said that this wasn't something we should mess around with and we would do it next week.  At this point I fully understood what was going on.    

Before I knew it, I was getting surgery that required a skin graft, twilight sedation and a nerve block.  That was way more than I bargained for.  Because I like to do things all the way, we had to do it twice because they didn't get clean margins the first time.    

It turns out that this is the kind of cancer that killed Bob Marley.  (I know you all thought we had the same sense of rhythm.) His was on his big toe and because he was Jamaican, it was not as noticeable as it was on me.  I was incredibly lucky that I didn't wait any longer.  

Here are some of the lessons I learned from this experience:

1.  I need to be my own health advocate.  There is really nothing too insignificant to share with your doctor if something is changing.  There was no need to be embarrassed or to feel like I was wasting someone's time.  

2.  This type of melanoma comes from a previous injury and not sun exposure.  I had previously cut this thumb twice that both times required stitches.  This is proof positive that, out of an abundance of caution,  I should just stop cooking,  

3.  I have surrounded myself with amazing people that bent over backwards to take care of me and my family.  My mom is a Rockstar!

4.  In reality, this was a painful inconvenience.  I was so very lucky that this didn't go very, very wrong.  

What to Expect When Your Child Goes to Basic Training

This subject was too hard for me to talk about for quite a while, and now I think I am far enough away from it that I can talk about it.  For me, the hardest part was the fear of the unknown.  I have never sent someone to basic training before, so how was I to know? 

Here are some hard and fast truths about basic training

1. No news is good news.  Your soldier will not have phone privileges unless and until there is something very wrong.  If they call you in the "Red Phase", there is a big problem.  
2.  The Army knows what they are doing here.  This is not their first rodeo.  It may seem cruel and heartless, and it really is.  Welcome to the Army.  If your child is old enough to have made the decision to join the service, they really don't need you while they are there.  This is as much training for you as it is for them.  When your soldier is stationed in a combat zone, (God help me!) they are not going to be able to contact you for a very long period of time.  You, as a loved one, have to be okay with that.  Think of it as the band aid of parenting being ripped off, really hard and really fast.  
3. Write to your soldier as much as possible.  Share the address with anyone who might write. Support from home is so very important.  Go ahead and use Sandboxx as that will almost ensure you will have the correct address in the correct format, and it is much faster delivery.  You can also easily send a picture with each letter.  You wouldn't think twice about spending $3 or $4 on a card, so feel free to spend the money on this.  Your mileage may vary.  
4. DO NOT SEND ANYTHING TO YOUR SOLDIER UNLESS THEY ASK FOR IT.  They have very specific things they can and can't receive, and it varies by company.  DO NOT SEND FOOD.  They WILL be smoked, and most likely, the whole platoon will get smoked as well.  (smoked is punished.)  Don't put your soldier in a very awkward position.  
5. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT CALL THE BASE!!!!!!!  I really can't stress that enough.  The ONLY reason you should call the Red Cross is if there is a death in the IMMEDIATE family.  Notice that I said the Red Cross, and not the base.  Never call the base.   For those in the back that might not have heard the first time, Don't Ever Call The Base.  You will receive a letter from the Commander that contains dates of graduation, etc.  The only reason you will get a call from your soldier is if they are not graduating.  
6. Make reservations for graduation as soon as you know when graduation will be.  Hotels on base WILL BOOK QUICKLY!!!  You will want to be on base as your soldier will most likely not be able to leave the base, and you will have to find something for your group to keep yourselves occupied, which is surprisingly hard to do.    This will also allow them to grab a nap.  They will be tired.  
7. Social media is your friend.  Most companies will have a face book page where you can find out what is going on with your soldier and ask questions.  I was able to meet my own battle buddy moms who made the whole experience bearable.  We all shared information from letters and calls (they will most likely get phone privileges after "The Forge"), and together we were able to figure out what was going on.  Sometimes they posted pictures, and that was as if all of your best gifts in life had been placed together in one package and handed to you.  Not going to lie, the first time I saw one of Colin, I cried like a baby.  
8. Please look at the frequently asked questions section of the page before you ask your own question.  Most of the main questions have been asked and answered.  Some several hundred times.  The moderators of this site will soon become your biggest ally.   They will likely know the answer to most questions, and if not, they can usually find the answer for you.  Again, DO NOT CALL THE BASE.  If these people think it is truly something you need to know, they will call for you.  They were patient and kind and truly angels on earth.  
9. Sign up for informed delivery from the post office. It is easy and free.  You get an email every day showing you a scan of what will be delivered.  Again, whenever I saw one with Colin's chicken scratch, I would cry and stalk the mailbox.  
10. Lean on any support you can find.  My Battle Buddy Moms, my family, and a group called Colin's Fan Club really helped.  

This will get you started, and just like nothing can prepare you for parenthood, nothing will prepare you for sending your loved one to Basic Training.  It is an experience unlike anything I have even imagined.  Buckle up Buttercup. You are in the Army now! 

What to Expect When Your Child Joins the Military

Colin left for boot camp on May 14th, and he finally came home this week.  It was the longest 20 weeks of my life. I have sent the same kid to college and boot camp, and I am here to tell you that they are nothing alike. 

When I sent Colin to college, I had attended the same university myself.  I knew what to expect, and had a vocabulary to talk about what was going on and to ask questions.  In fact, I was able to ask him questions because there was a communication device called a cell phone.  I could text him or, much to his dismay, I could call him. 

Our family is not a military family.  When your child joins the military, your whole family joins as well.  We needed to learn a whole new way of life, as well as a new language.  Everything is an acronym.  I didn't even know what the words in the acronym meant, much less what the acronym itself meant.   To say that we were fish out of water would be a huge understatement. 

I had so many mixed feelings.  The most obvious and pressing was scared.  The fear of the unknown is a powerful thing.  I had no idea what to expect besides what I had seen on "Stripes" or "An Officer and a Gentleman."  Neither of those were something I wanted my son involved in.  I did some research, but that is like googling medical stuff.  DON'T DO IT!

I was confused.  I still don't know why Colin decided to join the military.  He has always held himself to a higher standard, and honor and duty are some of his strongest traits.  In fact, it is sometimes hard to be his mom  because those are impossible standards to live up to.  He has developed the same look of disappointment that my dad has that has kept me from doing stupid things my whole life.  They have a lot of eerily similar features. 

I'm going to be honest here, I was mad.  When your kids are toddlers and you dream big things for them, this would have been so far down the list as to not make the list.  Here is the thing.  Colin's life is not about me.  It never really was.  He was born going on 40.  In many ways, he raised himself.  I had my chance to make life choices, this is really his choice, and only his choice to make.  That is a kick in the stomach when it happens, and even more so when it doesn't fit into the neat little box of my dreams. 

I was proud.  It took me some time to get here.  I really thought I could change his mind.  He brought me along kicking and screaming since he was 17 and told me, while I was driving no less, that he wanted to join the Army.  I had to pull over.  This is when I was mad, and boy was I hot.  I am not proud of how I reacted.  It is my second biggest parenting fail for Colin.  I was talking about my utter dismay at the prospect of my baaaaaaby joining the Army, and one of my friends pointed out that he was going to do this, and he needed me solidly behind him.  Parental support makes things so much easier.  I have made a lot of parenting mistakes, but the one thing my kids know about us is that we are always going to have their backs, and also be their safe place to land. That was a turning point for me.  (Thanks Larry!)  Only 1% of the American population joins the service.  It is not even easy to join the service.  Warfare is not like it was 40 years ago, and they can afford to be more selective now.  Colin took the SAT of the army and scored in the 85th percentile which allowed him to pick his choice of MOS.  (I now know that this means mode or method of service.)  He chose well.   There are only 19,000 people that currently do his MOS.  It has been a long journey for me to accept this decision, but I could not be more proud of Colin if I tried. 

This week Colin graduated from AIT (Advanced Individual Training, not to be confused with BCT, which is Basic Combat Training.)  It was never so obvious that he made the right decision.  For the first time, he looked comfortable in his own skin.  He has found his people.  The Army has given him everything he has wanted and we never gave him.  Discipline and stability.  I will forever be proud of Colin for telling me something he knew would temporarily devastate me, sticking to his guns instead of caving to my will, and for knowing what he wants when he is 19. 

In more ways than one, he is my hero. 

I'm Still Waiting for a Call...

There were no rainbows and unicorns on Father's Day.  I felt like my soul had been crushed.  As the day turned into night and I knew it wasn't going to happen, I couldn't even cry.  I went to my room and just laid there.  I didn't even turn on the television as that would have been too much for me to deal with. 

I still haven't gotten a call.  Still haven't heard his voice.  It has been over a month. 

What I have gotten have been letters.  These are now my most prized possessions.  They reside in my fire proof safe, and besides Dave, Ryan and Max, they are what I would grab if I have to evacuate my house. 

These letters are amazing.  When one comes in the mail, I can almost forgive the Post Office for all the days that I come in empty handed.  I get a glimpse into his life, and they give me hope that I can make it for another five weeks. 

I know other companies have gotten phone privileges, but it seems that there are a few kids who can not find it in themselves to remain quiet during formation.  When graduation comes, I want to have a word with these kids.  All I need would be 5 minutes, but I suppose if they are not afraid of the Drill Sargents,  they will not be afraid of me.  Here is where they would learn that there are few things scarier than a mother that has been kept from hearing the dulcet tones of her son's beautiful voice. 

In the meantime, I will continue to stalk my mailbox for some camouflage paper and the chicken scratch that keeps me going. 

Instant Gratification vs Snail Mail

I really had no idea how a cell phone has changed my expectations on instant gratification.  If you want to talk to someone, however novel that might be, you call them.  If you want to text, you can expect someone to reply relatively quickly.  Don't know a fact?  You can literally look up anything. 

Here is what you can't do when your loved one is in basic training.  Any of the above.  There is no communication unless it comes from the United States Postal Service. 

The USPS can be a heartless bitch. 

I haven't gotten a letter in over a week.  I woke up this morning with an actual heart ache.  It seems I have gotten my hopes up that since it is Father's Day, they might let our SIT (soldier in training for those that aren't in the know) call home. 

Somehow, I think that the United States Army is going to crush my dreams. 

I also had no idea how the cell phone has spoiled my simple joy of anticipation.  When I do get some kernel of communication, it is as if the sky has opened and rainbows and unicorns are flying across the sky.  It is so sweet I can almost taste it. So tangible I am carrying it in my arms. I have a renewed idea of the importance of quality communication over quantity.  Because space and time are so limited, I think before I speak or write.  I have my questions ready for when he calls.  I will savor his voice until the next time I hear it. 

Today might be the day that I hear it.  My hopes are so high that I woke up at 6am like a kid on Christmas morning.  I am trying to protect my heart in case I don't get what I want, but we all know exactly what will happen when he doesn't call.  In case you are wondering, just ask my family about the leather coat.  It wasn't pretty.

Today might not be my Christmas morning, but I know it is coming.  I know when it does that my appreciation for the gift of his voice will be better than all the leather coats combined.  It will be the best Christmas morning there has ever been.  I will be whole again. 

As hard as this is, I better get used to this because we are in the Army now. 

Random Thoughts - Memorial Day, Nashville, and Fitbit

This year, Memorial Day took on a whole new meaning.  I will admit that before Colin joined the National Guard I was guilty of enjoying a day off work.  Beyond that, I didn't give it much thought.  Now that it affects me, I gave it a lot of thought.  I thought of all the Gold Star families, and how hard Memorial Day is for them.  I thought of all the people in the Armed Services, and what they do.  I realize that in this day and age, a draft is unlikely, so they are all there because they choose to be, but they are willing to give far more than I am for this country. 

Other aspects I never thought of.  Colin's only form of communication is snail mail.  Hello, 1989 is calling and wants its communication back.  I now have a renewed appreciation for the mail service.  Also, in the old time movies when people would ask, "Have you heard from the front?" I didn't think about that beyond the plot of the movie.  Now I realize it is a true lifeline for us.  I wonder how Colin will be with technology once he gets home. 

I traveled to Nashville this past week for work.  Even though I didn't see much outside of the Omni Hotel, it is a lovely city.  I felt very safe walking around, and I even visited the Country Music Hall of Fame. There was music EVERYWHERE, and the food was amazing.  How does Ohio not have Chicken Fried Chicken in more places?  As in any big city, homelessness was a problem.  After a friend and I finished eating, we had a half a pizza left over.  We decided to give it to the first homeless person we saw.  There was a man digging through the trash and we asked him if he wanted it.  He said, "I guess I will take it.  It will hurt my stomach, but I will take it."  This made me think a little more about the situation.  My initial reaction was that this was a true beggar that is choosing.  My second thought was that it probably would hurt his stomach, but it was clean.  My third thought was if I was being condescending when I was trying to help.  I thought of my white privilege.  My last thought was that he was not obligated to like what I gave him, and I should remember that everyone has feelings.  I thought I was better than this. Maybe that is my problem, and this knocked me down off my high horse. 

I am now addicted to my Fitbit.  How can I be addicted to something that I hate?  Yesterday I was taking Max for a walk and remembered that it was charging.  I was so mad that I had wasted steps, and a flight of stairs.  My original reason for getting it was so I could see what time it is at night.  The clock is too small to see from my side of the bed.  Now it mocks me daily.  It reminds me hourly that I am a sloth by vibrating and telling me how many steps I need to hit my goal.    I do not like or appreciate the dissonant feeling it gives me, and I refuse to be ruled by it.  Guilted? Yes.  Ruled? NO.

All of these things are giving me big, uncomfortable feelings.  I suppose they are making me grow as a person, but I was happy where I was.  Growth is hard, but it is good, and needed.  I will just have to hang on tightly for the ride.