Sunday, August 26, 2012

What Not to Wear - The Kennywood Adventure

I know that I am no Stacy London or Clinton Kelly, but I do know enough to wear clothes that fit, and for God's sake, cover up things that nobody else should have to see.  Last weekend we went to Pittsburgh to an amusement park called Kennywood.  What is it about these places and county fairs that bring out the craziness of people's wardrobes.  Because I can't make this stuff up, and because nobody would believe me if I told them, I took some pictures. Out of the many that I took, I narrowed it down to the best (or should I say worst) three.  I ask you, do these people not have mirrors?  Do they not have loved ones that have the guts to tell them they look ridiculous?   I will apologize in advance because once you see these, the image can not be erased from your minds.  Fair warning, if you are faint of heart, turn back now.  I am saving the best for last.  I promise it will be worth it, and might just give you nightmares for days. 

The problem here is not that this man's shirt is pink, it is that it is mesh.  Yes, I said MESH!  I ask you, where does one buy something like this?  I have never, in all my 41 years, seen a mesh shirt, much less one that had buttons on it.  Here is another problem with mesh shirts in the heat.  If you have deodorant fade out, there is nothing to stop it from being shared with your fellow people in line.  It is even better when you have a 7 year-old with no filter who said "WHAT IS THAT SMELL, IT SMELLS SO BAD, LIKE BAD BBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OR REALLY STINKY FEET!!!!!!!!!!"  On one hand, it really needed to be said, and I wished I could have said it.    On the other hand, I tried to pretend that he was not my child while simultaneously clamping my hand over his mouth.   My sister Laura and I have decided that they should have deodorant stations and they should be mandatory every hour, or every time you come off a water ride.  It would make this whole experience bearable.  I should be thankful that the next man was not wearing this mesh shirt...

I like to call this a Sasquatch sighting.  This man is extremely hairy.  I am not sure why I felt it necessary to point this out.  Many men suffer from this condition, and since I have not gotten my eyebrows waxed in over a year because it hurts, I do not expect this man to wax his back for my amusement park enjoyment.  I would, however, like to recommend that he wear a collared shirt.  I was longing for the mid 80's when the mock turtleneck was in style. 

Here is the grand finale of this slide show of horror:

First, let me point out that this is her back.  If you suffer from back cleavage, which I have never actually seen before, COVER IT UP.  DO NOT WEAR A SHIRT THAT SHOWCASES THIS FREAK OF NATURE!!!!!!  I would also like to tell you that her earrings say "SEXY".  I assure you that there was nothing sexy about this. This woman had teenage kids.  What person of at least late twenties or early thirties wears plastic earrings that say anything, much less sexy? It was even more horrific in person. Trust me when I tell you that you do not want to see these jeans from the front. 

I am not much for roller coasters anymore.  The lines were long and it was hot and crowded.  I am not in any hurry to go again, but the cotton candy was fresh and the people watching was fantastic.  It was a great day spent with my family, and that is really all I can ask for. 

1 comment:

Emily Cureton Booth said...

Just catching up on your blog and OMG is all I have to say!