Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Symmetry and the Subway Sandwich Artists

I don’t deny that the older I get the worse my idiosyncrasies get.  I still won’t eat ketchup or mustard. Mayonnaise?  Forget about it.  My food issues are well documented, but my other issue is that things need to be symmetrical.  Balance is very important in both appearance and weight.  For instance, there is a house in my neighborhood that is a colonial, but it has more windows on the right than the left.  Every single time we walk by it, I have to tell Dave how much it bothers me.  After 12 years, it is really starting to bother him, too.  If you are wearing a shirt with a pattern and it doesn't match up at the buttons, don't be surprised when I look over your shoulder when talking to you, because looking at it straight on will set me teeth on edge.  When you combine my food issues with symmetry issues, things get a little crazy. 

I order a veggie delight sandwich with double American cheese.  The American cheese comes in triangles. Triangles. Do you see where this is going?  I ask you, if you are trying to cover the bread, why would you arrange the cheese in a mountain formation instead of inverting every other triangle to make rectangles?  Am I the only one that thinks this should be basic common sense?   When you combine that with the fact that I like double cheese, half my sandwich is quadruple cheesy where the cheese overlaps, whereas the other half has no cheese at all. My kids won’t let me say anything; I already embarrass them enough. 

On top of the double cheese, I ask for a little bit of spinach, tomatoes that are ripe and don’t have a big hole in the middle (indicative of the removal of a hard, white, tasteless core), and one piece of onion to cover the entire length of the sandwich. (I don’t want to have onion breath the rest of the day.)  And to finish it off, just a light sprinkle of salt and pepper.  They already think I am crazy, and I am sure they would have spit on it if they didn’t make it right in front of me.  I know they want to roll their eyes when they see me coming, and I have seen them race to the back so they don’t have to deal with me. Could it really be a coincidence that all the supplies are empty and need refilling just as I walk in.  Why not just ask them to turn the triangle over, you ask? Apparently vocalizing that request is just too much for my children to bare.  

For now, at least I have all the ingredients, albeit disorganized.  I guess I will have to be content with reconstructing my sandwich the way Euclid, the father of geometry, would have intended.  Not only do I get cheese in every bite, but I can be relaxed while eating it.

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Natalie DeYoung said...

Another mayonnaise kindred spirit! Yuck.

Anonymous said...

I never thought about the cheese thing before. You are so right: why DON'T they alternate them to cover more surface area? Now I think this is going to bother me, too. You might need to start getting the shredded cheddar.

Shailaja V said...

I am laughing while I read this :)

You sound like a more intense version of myself :D

Oh and can you please do away with Captcha? Makes commenting very difficult!

Kristin said...

I haven't been to Subway in a long while, but I always added oil and vinegar to mine. I LOVE mustard and extra pickles. Good point about the tomatoes!

aisha said...

I'll take your share of the mayo! I would die of starvation if I didn't learn to make my own mayo! Very funny post!

Anonymous said...

I like mustard, but I want it on the meat side, not the veggie side. In the rare cases that I use mayo, it must be on the veggie side. And ketchup and bread should never be paired.

We all have our food idiosyncrasies. I laughed reading about yours!