Grief is Complicated

 It has been just over a month since my dad died.  In the immediate aftermath, I wasn't crushed like I had imagined I would be.  I kept waiting for it, but I felt a strange sense of relief and peace.  My dad had really suffered, and I was glad it was behind us.  The waiting was horrible.  I don't feel like there was anything left unsaid or undone. I know in my heart that he wanted for nothing and few people are lucky enough to be surrounded by that much love.  What I find happening is that it sneaks up like a ninja, when I least expect it, and stabs me right in the heart.  

Before my dad got sick I would go for a couple of weeks without seeing my parents, but I would talk to them a couple of times a week.  Most of the time I was just catching up or would have a cooking question for my mom. If Dad didn't answer the phone, I would ask how he was doing but I didn't make a special point to talk to him.  

Yesterday I went to the house to help my mom with something.  I have been okay with that because I am at peace with my new reality, but the ninja struck when I saw his toothbrush still on the charger.  All of the sudden I wasn't seeing this as him dying, I saw it as him being gone.  There is a big distinction that I hadn't really considered.  He isn't going to be there to answer the phone.  He isn't there to start the birthday song.  He isn't there to brush his teeth.  

This really stinks.   

Today I am the Luckiest Girl on the Face of the Earth!

 My dad died last night. 

That is not why I am lucky.  I am lucky because I got to spend 50 years with the original girl dad.  For those new to my story, I am the youngest of four girls. He was proud to be our dad and I never once thought that he was disappointed to not have any boys.  People asked him all the time how he handled it.  Even though he had to build himself a shower in the basement and threatened to go to Ireland on multiple occasions, he always brushed off comments with a quick wit and charm.   I will remember him being at my track meets holding my Holly Hobbie sleeping blanket while I was high jumping so I wouldn't have to be cold one second longer than necessary.  When I gave birth to Colin and we started getting visitors, he came over to hold my hand.  I asked him if he wanted to see the baby, and he said he would get to that, but he wanted to make sure that everything was okay with his own baby.  My dad could fix anything. MacGyver could have learned a thing or two from him.    He could make anything, and if he didn't know how, he would figure it out.   I once stopped by while I was living at school and asked him if he could make me a table for my fish tank.  Before I went back, I had the perfect table that was made out of old cabinet doors and a 2x4.  It was painted white and even had a shelf for the food and accessories.  I assumed that every house had a Shopsmith and a basement full of power tools.  

I could fill 50 posts with stories of my dad, but he is not the only reason I am lucky.  Over the last year I have been spending a lot of time with my parents as we have been navigating this experience.  This time, while devastating, has also been a great gift.  I have always known my mom was a force of nature who has non stop energy and never sits down.  She has shown amazing grace under pressure and patience and gentleness that simply cant be put into words.  Her remarkable generosity of spirit and kindness is an example that I will strive to live up to.  

Finally, I have three wonderful sisters.  We have not always seen eye to eye, but no matter what, they have always been my three best friends.  I am so fortunate to have spent my life with these strong women and to have them to lean on now.  We each have our strengths that have come together to form a formidable team.  If only one of us had gone into healthcare, this might have been a smoother ride, but one man has never had more love and attention showered on him as he has made this transition.  

All of us, the original six, are a team.  When you get one of us, you get all of us, whether you are prepared for that or not.  One of our leaders is gone, but the lessons left behind will never be lost.  The six of us have grown to 20 with new additions along the way.  We are surrounded by love and support and gentle kindness of spirit.  I know that we will make my dad proud as we continue to knock 'em stiff.  

My Nemesis

I'm just going to say it.  I hate squirrels.  In my eyes they are rats with fluffy tails.  I am sure they serve some purpose in the circle of life, but I think it might be to drive me crazy.  I have been chased by them at Kent State, had one that thought it was a pet and tried to get into my house and car, and they often eat my flower bulbs.  They also used my bird feeder as their personal diner.  They are a menace to society.  

 This is the current view from my window where I sit every day while I work.  

It might  not look like much now, but in the summer I like to sit on my porch while I work or read a book.  You can find me here anytime it is warm enough.  In the winter it is kind of dreary, but I dream of the day that it will be warm again.  

We used to have a large population of squirrels, but a hawk seems to have taken care of that.  We are down to two now.  I have adopted a live and let live policy with them as long as they stay on the outside of my porch.  One squirrels likes to push me to my limit by running around on the outside of the screen and taunting me.  If I am in a bad mood I will go outside and yell at it and shake my fist while it mocks me knowing that there is nothing I can do about it.  

Imagine my surprise when I was reading yesterday and I heard a commotion on the porch.  I turned around to see that damn squirrel hanging ON THE INSIDE OF THE SCREEN! I knew it was freaked out because it couldn't figure out how to get back out, so after I calmed down I decided I was going to go outside and prop the door open so it could remove itself from my side of the screen.  

I took the pole that keeps the slider locked and went outside and up our very steep steps.  I opened the door and put the pole in place and was trying to get behind the door when it went flying out and landed on the steps.  There we were, staring at each other as it blocked my path to escape.  Finally it took its leave and jumped into the tree.  

I have found the hole that allowed his entry, and it has been blocked.  I hope it enjoyed it's little joyride as that is the last time he is getting on my side of my happy place.  

Motivation (or Lack Thereof)

 You might have noticed that this blog has been neglected this year,  My motivation has been non-existent.  We are living in a worldwide pandemic, and I didn't think I had anything to write about.  I have spent the last few months in a haze of homeschooling a 15 year old, working, and watching untold hours of Law and Order SVU.  Seriously, what is it about that show that sucks you in?  There are over 400 episodes!

My first childhood best friend has written a book.  A whole adult novel, and it is spectacular.  People, when it comes out, it is going to rocket to the NYTimes best seller list.  SERIOUSLY! In messaging back and forth to her, we have spoken about my writing, and my idea for an adult novel.  The thought of putting that much effort into my idea is really overwhelming, so I have let it simmer on the back burner of  my brain for about 18 months.  I keep talking it over with my sister, Ann, and nothing really happens.  Oh well.  

Today on one of my many trips to the high school to drop Ryan off to basketball, Fresh Air was on my local NPR station.  Annie Leibovitz was the guest, and Teri Gross introduced her as a quirky writer who likes to share her opinions.  I thought, "Well I am a quirky writer, and I have a lot of opinions that I would like to share."  One of my favorites that can be controversial is that mustard and mayonnaise are disgusting.  If  Dave should choose to have that on his sandwich, a piece of gum or a good teeth brushing are in order before he comes near me.  (We are coming up on our 25th wedding anniversary in July.  He is a saint.)  My point is that Annie doesn't really have anything on me, aside from fame and fortune, so I need to get back in the game.   

Here are some topics that I have brewing:

1. How long should I wait before getting a puppy, and should I wait until it is warmer? 

2.  Living in a small house with 4 large people, and how we have survived. 

3,  Quantity over quality time spent with family. 

4.  Max.  This one is still a bit raw for me.  How could a 15 pound ball of fur capture my heart? 

5.  Covid-19  It is not a hoax.  

6.  Cutting Cable.  We finally did it!

I will try to stay away from politics, but I make no promises after what happened last week.  I just can't wrap my head around that yet.  

Susan told me that to get in shape to write her book she wrote fan fiction every day for K-Pop stars.  I had to look up what K-Pop was, so I think I need to pick a different subject. I need to get myself back into writing shape.  Shake the proverbial cobwebs from my brain.  It may be that I am not meant to write an entire novel, and I really should just be an essayist.  Either way, this should get me started.  

This Could Have Had A Very Different Ending or What I Have In Common with Bob Marley.

I wouldn't consider myself high maintenance when it comes to my appearance.   A dab of eyeliner and a quick swipe of lipstick, and I am usually good to go.  It has been at least three years since I have had my nails done, but I do enjoy a good pedicure.  

Sometime in early 2020 I noticed a shadow at the edge of my thumbnail but assumed that I bumped it and it would go away.  I kept noticing that it was there and getting a bit bigger, but didn't want to go anywhere near the doctor as I didn't want to get Covid.  I was an early adopter of social distancing and wearing a mask, and once I discovered the joy of ordering groceries online, there was really no need for me to go anywhere.  

For the next few months I was happy living in my cocoon.  The weather was nice, and I would work and relax on my back porch where there was a quiet peace.  Ryan decided that he was done with baseball so we were able to relax for the first time in six years.  There was no running around from one game to another.  Life was quite good.  

My sister and I often have lunch together.  We would eat in my car and catch up on life.  In early October we were enjoying an unseasonably warm day when I mentioned that I had this line on my fingernail, and I wondered why it wouldn't go away.  Of course Ann said "you should really get that checked."  We joked about how it would be just my luck to be the first person we knew to have fingernail cancer.  

I kept putting off going to the doctor because my doctor that I had for 30+ years had retired.  We were in the middle of a pandemic, and I didn't want to bother my new doctor that I hadn't even met with a line on my fingernail.  I finally called and made the appointment.  I went in and introduced myself and told her how embarrassed I was to be bothering her with such a stupid thing.  We talked for a bit and she said that she thought it wasn't anything but that I should see a dermatologist.  

Here is where I should have seen the first red flag.  She had me set up with a dermatologist within 3 days.  Not thinking anything about it, I went in and again explained how embarrassed I was to be bothering them with a line on my fingernail.  She looked at it and said that she thought it was a mole under my fingernail and since 49 year old white people don't usually have moles under their fingernails,  I should really get a biopsy.  Oh, and was I free that afternoon as the doctor happened to be in the office and had some time to do it.  This should have been my second red flag.  I thought, oh, how convenient that I could get this over with.  

I went back that afternoon and we shall not talk about what they did, but suffice it to say, they had to take the sample by the base of my nail and not the tip.  Here is where I missed red flag number 3.  On the way out of the room, the doctor said that my next stop would be a hand surgeon.  I took that to mean that if this was bad my next stop would be a hand surgeon.  

I waited a week and hadn't heard anything back so I assumed that everything was fine and I got my thumb mutilated for no reason.  I was ready to put the whole thing behind me.  Dave can be relentless so he made me call on Friday to get the results.  When I called, the girl that answered the phone said she would look up my chart.  There was an awkward pause and she put me on hold.  She came back and she said that they weren't back yet and someone would call me on Monday.  I did get an uneasy feeling about it, but Max, my dog, was really sick and I put it out of my head thinking that I didn't want to borrow trouble.  That was red flag number 4.  I chose to ignore that one.  

Monday rolls around and I get a call from the nurse at the dermatologist who tells me that what I had was in fact melanoma and she was scheduling an appointment with the hand surgeon.  Leave it to me to get fingernail cancer.  The good news was that it wasn't deep and should be easily removed.  We talked about how long it might take to grow my nail back, and then hung up.  

I went to see the surgeon and he came in the room and told me that I wasn't going to like what he had to tell me.  I was expecting him to tell me that he was going to take my fingernail off and that it might not grow back flat.  What he really told me was that he was going to remove the entire nail bed and that my nail wouldn't grow back at all.  If it went really deep, he might have to remove my thumb to the first knuckle.  I didn't miss that red flag.  I appreciated how up front he was and asked if they were going to do it before the end of the year as I had met our deductible.  He looked at me like I was crazy and said that this wasn't something we should mess around with and we would do it next week.  At this point I fully understood what was going on.    

Before I knew it, I was getting surgery that required a skin graft, twilight sedation and a nerve block.  That was way more than I bargained for.  Because I like to do things all the way, we had to do it twice because they didn't get clean margins the first time.    

It turns out that this is the kind of cancer that killed Bob Marley.  (I know you all thought we had the same sense of rhythm.) His was on his big toe and because he was Jamaican, it was not as noticeable as it was on me.  I was incredibly lucky that I didn't wait any longer.  

Here are some of the lessons I learned from this experience:

1.  I need to be my own health advocate.  There is really nothing too insignificant to share with your doctor if something is changing.  There was no need to be embarrassed or to feel like I was wasting someone's time.  

2.  This type of melanoma comes from a previous injury and not sun exposure.  I had previously cut this thumb twice that both times required stitches.  This is proof positive that, out of an abundance of caution,  I should just stop cooking,  

3.  I have surrounded myself with amazing people that bent over backwards to take care of me and my family.  My mom is a Rockstar!

4.  In reality, this was a painful inconvenience.  I was so very lucky that this didn't go very, very wrong.  

What to Expect When Your Child Goes to Basic Training

This subject was too hard for me to talk about for quite a while, and now I think I am far enough away from it that I can talk about it.  For me, the hardest part was the fear of the unknown.  I have never sent someone to basic training before, so how was I to know? 

Here are some hard and fast truths about basic training

1. No news is good news.  Your soldier will not have phone privileges unless and until there is something very wrong.  If they call you in the "Red Phase", there is a big problem.  
2.  The Army knows what they are doing here.  This is not their first rodeo.  It may seem cruel and heartless, and it really is.  Welcome to the Army.  If your child is old enough to have made the decision to join the service, they really don't need you while they are there.  This is as much training for you as it is for them.  When your soldier is stationed in a combat zone, (God help me!) they are not going to be able to contact you for a very long period of time.  You, as a loved one, have to be okay with that.  Think of it as the band aid of parenting being ripped off, really hard and really fast.  
3. Write to your soldier as much as possible.  Share the address with anyone who might write. Support from home is so very important.  Go ahead and use Sandboxx as that will almost ensure you will have the correct address in the correct format, and it is much faster delivery.  You can also easily send a picture with each letter.  You wouldn't think twice about spending $3 or $4 on a card, so feel free to spend the money on this.  Your mileage may vary.  
4. DO NOT SEND ANYTHING TO YOUR SOLDIER UNLESS THEY ASK FOR IT.  They have very specific things they can and can't receive, and it varies by company.  DO NOT SEND FOOD.  They WILL be smoked, and most likely, the whole platoon will get smoked as well.  (smoked is punished.)  Don't put your soldier in a very awkward position.  
5. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT CALL THE BASE!!!!!!!  I really can't stress that enough.  The ONLY reason you should call the Red Cross is if there is a death in the IMMEDIATE family.  Notice that I said the Red Cross, and not the base.  Never call the base.   For those in the back that might not have heard the first time, Don't Ever Call The Base.  You will receive a letter from the Commander that contains dates of graduation, etc.  The only reason you will get a call from your soldier is if they are not graduating.  
6. Make reservations for graduation as soon as you know when graduation will be.  Hotels on base WILL BOOK QUICKLY!!!  You will want to be on base as your soldier will most likely not be able to leave the base, and you will have to find something for your group to keep yourselves occupied, which is surprisingly hard to do.    This will also allow them to grab a nap.  They will be tired.  
7. Social media is your friend.  Most companies will have a face book page where you can find out what is going on with your soldier and ask questions.  I was able to meet my own battle buddy moms who made the whole experience bearable.  We all shared information from letters and calls (they will most likely get phone privileges after "The Forge"), and together we were able to figure out what was going on.  Sometimes they posted pictures, and that was as if all of your best gifts in life had been placed together in one package and handed to you.  Not going to lie, the first time I saw one of Colin, I cried like a baby.  
8. Please look at the frequently asked questions section of the page before you ask your own question.  Most of the main questions have been asked and answered.  Some several hundred times.  The moderators of this site will soon become your biggest ally.   They will likely know the answer to most questions, and if not, they can usually find the answer for you.  Again, DO NOT CALL THE BASE.  If these people think it is truly something you need to know, they will call for you.  They were patient and kind and truly angels on earth.  
9. Sign up for informed delivery from the post office. It is easy and free.  You get an email every day showing you a scan of what will be delivered.  Again, whenever I saw one with Colin's chicken scratch, I would cry and stalk the mailbox.  
10. Lean on any support you can find.  My Battle Buddy Moms, my family, and a group called Colin's Fan Club really helped.  

This will get you started, and just like nothing can prepare you for parenthood, nothing will prepare you for sending your loved one to Basic Training.  It is an experience unlike anything I have even imagined.  Buckle up Buttercup. You are in the Army now! 

What to Expect When Your Child Joins the Military

Colin left for boot camp on May 14th, and he finally came home this week.  It was the longest 20 weeks of my life. I have sent the same kid to college and boot camp, and I am here to tell you that they are nothing alike. 

When I sent Colin to college, I had attended the same university myself.  I knew what to expect, and had a vocabulary to talk about what was going on and to ask questions.  In fact, I was able to ask him questions because there was a communication device called a cell phone.  I could text him or, much to his dismay, I could call him. 

Our family is not a military family.  When your child joins the military, your whole family joins as well.  We needed to learn a whole new way of life, as well as a new language.  Everything is an acronym.  I didn't even know what the words in the acronym meant, much less what the acronym itself meant.   To say that we were fish out of water would be a huge understatement. 

I had so many mixed feelings.  The most obvious and pressing was scared.  The fear of the unknown is a powerful thing.  I had no idea what to expect besides what I had seen on "Stripes" or "An Officer and a Gentleman."  Neither of those were something I wanted my son involved in.  I did some research, but that is like googling medical stuff.  DON'T DO IT!

I was confused.  I still don't know why Colin decided to join the military.  He has always held himself to a higher standard, and honor and duty are some of his strongest traits.  In fact, it is sometimes hard to be his mom  because those are impossible standards to live up to.  He has developed the same look of disappointment that my dad has that has kept me from doing stupid things my whole life.  They have a lot of eerily similar features. 

I'm going to be honest here, I was mad.  When your kids are toddlers and you dream big things for them, this would have been so far down the list as to not make the list.  Here is the thing.  Colin's life is not about me.  It never really was.  He was born going on 40.  In many ways, he raised himself.  I had my chance to make life choices, this is really his choice, and only his choice to make.  That is a kick in the stomach when it happens, and even more so when it doesn't fit into the neat little box of my dreams. 

I was proud.  It took me some time to get here.  I really thought I could change his mind.  He brought me along kicking and screaming since he was 17 and told me, while I was driving no less, that he wanted to join the Army.  I had to pull over.  This is when I was mad, and boy was I hot.  I am not proud of how I reacted.  It is my second biggest parenting fail for Colin.  I was talking about my utter dismay at the prospect of my baaaaaaby joining the Army, and one of my friends pointed out that he was going to do this, and he needed me solidly behind him.  Parental support makes things so much easier.  I have made a lot of parenting mistakes, but the one thing my kids know about us is that we are always going to have their backs, and also be their safe place to land. That was a turning point for me.  (Thanks Larry!)  Only 1% of the American population joins the service.  It is not even easy to join the service.  Warfare is not like it was 40 years ago, and they can afford to be more selective now.  Colin took the SAT of the army and scored in the 85th percentile which allowed him to pick his choice of MOS.  (I now know that this means mode or method of service.)  He chose well.   There are only 19,000 people that currently do his MOS.  It has been a long journey for me to accept this decision, but I could not be more proud of Colin if I tried. 

This week Colin graduated from AIT (Advanced Individual Training, not to be confused with BCT, which is Basic Combat Training.)  It was never so obvious that he made the right decision.  For the first time, he looked comfortable in his own skin.  He has found his people.  The Army has given him everything he has wanted and we never gave him.  Discipline and stability.  I will forever be proud of Colin for telling me something he knew would temporarily devastate me, sticking to his guns instead of caving to my will, and for knowing what he wants when he is 19. 

In more ways than one, he is my hero. 

I'm Still Waiting for a Call...

There were no rainbows and unicorns on Father's Day.  I felt like my soul had been crushed.  As the day turned into night and I knew it wasn't going to happen, I couldn't even cry.  I went to my room and just laid there.  I didn't even turn on the television as that would have been too much for me to deal with. 

I still haven't gotten a call.  Still haven't heard his voice.  It has been over a month. 

What I have gotten have been letters.  These are now my most prized possessions.  They reside in my fire proof safe, and besides Dave, Ryan and Max, they are what I would grab if I have to evacuate my house. 

These letters are amazing.  When one comes in the mail, I can almost forgive the Post Office for all the days that I come in empty handed.  I get a glimpse into his life, and they give me hope that I can make it for another five weeks. 

I know other companies have gotten phone privileges, but it seems that there are a few kids who can not find it in themselves to remain quiet during formation.  When graduation comes, I want to have a word with these kids.  All I need would be 5 minutes, but I suppose if they are not afraid of the Drill Sargents,  they will not be afraid of me.  Here is where they would learn that there are few things scarier than a mother that has been kept from hearing the dulcet tones of her son's beautiful voice. 

In the meantime, I will continue to stalk my mailbox for some camouflage paper and the chicken scratch that keeps me going. 

Instant Gratification vs Snail Mail

I really had no idea how a cell phone has changed my expectations on instant gratification.  If you want to talk to someone, however novel that might be, you call them.  If you want to text, you can expect someone to reply relatively quickly.  Don't know a fact?  You can literally look up anything. 

Here is what you can't do when your loved one is in basic training.  Any of the above.  There is no communication unless it comes from the United States Postal Service. 

The USPS can be a heartless bitch. 

I haven't gotten a letter in over a week.  I woke up this morning with an actual heart ache.  It seems I have gotten my hopes up that since it is Father's Day, they might let our SIT (soldier in training for those that aren't in the know) call home. 

Somehow, I think that the United States Army is going to crush my dreams. 

I also had no idea how the cell phone has spoiled my simple joy of anticipation.  When I do get some kernel of communication, it is as if the sky has opened and rainbows and unicorns are flying across the sky.  It is so sweet I can almost taste it. So tangible I am carrying it in my arms. I have a renewed idea of the importance of quality communication over quantity.  Because space and time are so limited, I think before I speak or write.  I have my questions ready for when he calls.  I will savor his voice until the next time I hear it. 

Today might be the day that I hear it.  My hopes are so high that I woke up at 6am like a kid on Christmas morning.  I am trying to protect my heart in case I don't get what I want, but we all know exactly what will happen when he doesn't call.  In case you are wondering, just ask my family about the leather coat.  It wasn't pretty.

Today might not be my Christmas morning, but I know it is coming.  I know when it does that my appreciation for the gift of his voice will be better than all the leather coats combined.  It will be the best Christmas morning there has ever been.  I will be whole again. 

As hard as this is, I better get used to this because we are in the Army now. 

Random Thoughts - Memorial Day, Nashville, and Fitbit

This year, Memorial Day took on a whole new meaning.  I will admit that before Colin joined the National Guard I was guilty of enjoying a day off work.  Beyond that, I didn't give it much thought.  Now that it affects me, I gave it a lot of thought.  I thought of all the Gold Star families, and how hard Memorial Day is for them.  I thought of all the people in the Armed Services, and what they do.  I realize that in this day and age, a draft is unlikely, so they are all there because they choose to be, but they are willing to give far more than I am for this country. 

Other aspects I never thought of.  Colin's only form of communication is snail mail.  Hello, 1989 is calling and wants its communication back.  I now have a renewed appreciation for the mail service.  Also, in the old time movies when people would ask, "Have you heard from the front?" I didn't think about that beyond the plot of the movie.  Now I realize it is a true lifeline for us.  I wonder how Colin will be with technology once he gets home. 

I traveled to Nashville this past week for work.  Even though I didn't see much outside of the Omni Hotel, it is a lovely city.  I felt very safe walking around, and I even visited the Country Music Hall of Fame. There was music EVERYWHERE, and the food was amazing.  How does Ohio not have Chicken Fried Chicken in more places?  As in any big city, homelessness was a problem.  After a friend and I finished eating, we had a half a pizza left over.  We decided to give it to the first homeless person we saw.  There was a man digging through the trash and we asked him if he wanted it.  He said, "I guess I will take it.  It will hurt my stomach, but I will take it."  This made me think a little more about the situation.  My initial reaction was that this was a true beggar that is choosing.  My second thought was that it probably would hurt his stomach, but it was clean.  My third thought was if I was being condescending when I was trying to help.  I thought of my white privilege.  My last thought was that he was not obligated to like what I gave him, and I should remember that everyone has feelings.  I thought I was better than this. Maybe that is my problem, and this knocked me down off my high horse. 

I am now addicted to my Fitbit.  How can I be addicted to something that I hate?  Yesterday I was taking Max for a walk and remembered that it was charging.  I was so mad that I had wasted steps, and a flight of stairs.  My original reason for getting it was so I could see what time it is at night.  The clock is too small to see from my side of the bed.  Now it mocks me daily.  It reminds me hourly that I am a sloth by vibrating and telling me how many steps I need to hit my goal.    I do not like or appreciate the dissonant feeling it gives me, and I refuse to be ruled by it.  Guilted? Yes.  Ruled? NO.

All of these things are giving me big, uncomfortable feelings.  I suppose they are making me grow as a person, but I was happy where I was.  Growth is hard, but it is good, and needed.  I will just have to hang on tightly for the ride. 

He's in the National Guard

Colin left last week for basic training.  I knew it would be hard, but had no idea how hard it would be.  It has taken me a whole week to wrap my head around it.  I have so many emotions that I just feel like I am going crazy. 

He was away at college all last year.  He is not the most outgoing communicator and I was trying to let him get his wings, so I mostly left him alone.  If I talked to him once a week, that was a lot.  We would text, but it was mostly things like what he needed, or when I would pick him up.  He only came home when it would make it worth his while to bring his video game systems home.  So never.  I thought I was ready.  Clearly I'm not. 

I knew dropping him off would be bad.  It was.  That whole day was bad.  I thought every phone call would be our last.  He ended up calling five times that day.  When he called from the bus taking him to his base, he sounded so scared.  I cried.  That was the last time we talked to him that wasn't a scripted call.  Until he got five minutes this week.  He cried.  I cried.  It was so good and so bad at the same time.  Conflicting emotions. 

I think the problem is that I just can't reach out to talk to him.  I could before and we chose not to.  He is going through the biggest thing in his life to date, and I don't know what is going on.  We can write letters, but that is like going back to the stone age.  All of the waiting is killing me. 

I am happy that he is doing what he wants to do.  I am proud that he is serving our country.  I am sure that he was as ready to go as he could have been, and I know he is strong in both mind and body.  I am scared that he is scared.  I am hopeful for the man he is going to be when he gets to the other side.  I am mad that he is gone.  I am confused about military life.  I am uncertain about what lies ahead for him, and how this will affect him long term.  Mostly I am tired.

If you ask me I will say I'm OK, and I am, because I have to be.  We are in the Army now.   

Random Thoughts and First World Problems

We had absolutely nowhere to go yesterday.  That NEVER HAPPENS, especially during AAU basketball season.  We had a rare weekend off because of Spring Break. 

Here is my first random thought:  Who thought it was a good idea to have spring break be the last week of March, in OHIO.  For those of us that don't go somewhere for vacation, it is still WINTER here.  In fact, as I look out my window, there is snow on the ground.  The one time I did go somewhere, it was still cold in Alabama and I had to wear a heavy coat to the beach.  My Father-In-Law got very sick and had to be hospitalized, and we had to drive for 18 hours. 

Because we had nowhere to go, I decided it was time to clean my bedroom.  Really clean it.  I emptied my closet, and only things that bring me joy made it back in.  I did seven loads of laundry.  (I had been putting it off for weeks, and only doing emergency laundry.  Seasonal Affect Disorder is real, people.) Here is my first First World Problem:  when I carried a laundry basket, my Fitbit did not register that as a flight of steps.  I WAS ROBBED OF AT LEAST 14 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.  That would have earned me a Fitbit badge. 

My second First World Problem happened when I used the spare bathroom on one of those trips to the laundry room.  Somehow in one of my budget conscience trips to BJ's Wholesale Club, I decided that I didn't need Cottonelle and I could live with Charmin Basic.  It was cheaper to start with and I had a $3 coupon.  I thought we had used all of it, but there must be one roll left.  I am here to tell you, I NEED COTTONELLE.  I have decided that I have earned the right to have luxury toilet paper when in my own home. 

I also decided that I would cook ahead for the week like efficient people do, and also give Dave something better than PB&J for his lunch.  I have been working with a personal trainer, and he has finally convinced me that I need protein in my diet.  I decided to make a whole bunch of chicken with olive oil and salt and pepper to season it, along with Jasmine Rice (we are getting fancy here with the rice).  Here comes my second random thought for the day.  If you cut your chicken into strips instead of leaving it whole, it cooks faster.  Much faster.  I am now going to put my protein in the handy chopper with some bacon and add some blue cheese or ranch dressing and put it on a Triscuit.  I'm quite sure that is not what Steve had in mind, but he did say I could season to taste. 

With that, I leave you with the hopes that you have a wonderful week.  Rumor has it that our weather roller coaster will get us into the high 60's by the weekend, just in time for me to spend my days in random gyms throughout the Akron area. 

My Life, An Update

So life has gotten in the way the last few years.  I was working at a job that discouraged political views being expressed, and the kids are older and don't love me talking about them.  I have been content to sit on the sidelines and let life go by undocumented.

All is well at our house.  I have a new job that doesn't care about my political views. Dave is still the same.  Colin has graduated high school and has joined the National Guard while completing the ROTC split program.  I never thought I would be a military mom, but I could not be prouder of the man he is working so hard to become.  Ryan is proud that he is officially taller than me, and loves playing basketball.  His life goal is to be in the NBA or to become an orthodontist.  I am glad that he has big dreams, and I know he can do whatever he wants if he puts his mind to it.  Max is slowing down, and that makes me sad, but I am enjoying him while I have him.  He loves that I work from home, and thinks my lap is his throne. 

Winter continues to kick me when I am down.  Seasonal Affect Disorder is real.  I am trying to combat this by working with a personal trainer with my good friend.  Exercise and a good dose or Lori three times a week have helped, but I am still down in the rabbit hole.  If I can just hang on a few more weeks, I will be okay. 

I can't thank my extended family enough for watching out for me.  My mom keeps a close eye on me even though she has her hands full with her own life.  My sister is looking out as well.  It really means a lot to me. 

My life is currently consumed by 7th grade AAU basketball, and while I complain about it, I really do love watching Ryan play.  He has come so far from when he played Upward basketball and cried on my lap because the boy just wouldn't give him personal space, even when he asked nicely.  He is funny and kind, unless he is on the court, and then he will take no prisoners and has a true "game face" that kind of scares me a bit.  He has fouled out of a game or two, and takes being aggressive to a new level.  He likes knocking people over, but helps them up after pushing them down, so at least he shows some sportsmanship. 

I hope to write once a week.  I miss this blog, and I miss reading it later and remembering the little things about my life.  Life is good, and I want to remember that instead of getting caught in the minutia.  Thanks to my friend Lauri for reminding me of how much I enjoy writing. 

Until next week, be kind to one another. 

Random Thoughts

I don't have a topic for a whole post, but have some random things on my mind.  I should mention that I have had a cold for a week, so some of this might be contributed to disconnected medicine head.  You have been warned.  Here we go:

*I have had my car for two years.  At what point will I figure out that I need to push to open the gas door instead of pull to open my trunk?

* I continue to hate fall.  When the leaves get crispy and the golden rod blooms, it makes me so sad, and makes my nose run.

* I do not like things with Pumpkin Spice.  Pumpkin Spice makes me angry.

* I am not sad that Ryan is in the last few years of needing a costume.  I am somewhat confused as to why being a banana is still socially acceptable, but being The Flash will now cause ridicule.

* The only good thing about Halloween is that you can get fun sized candy bars in so many options.  I do enjoy a really fresh Clark Bar.

* I have a cold.  I am blaming it on Fall. or maybe Dave since it started with him.  It is making me really crabby.

*If you have a cold, is there really a better feeling than when one of your nasal passages clears enough to give you a deep breath of fresh air unimpeded with mucus?  It is as if the sun is coming out after a long storm, only to be covered up with storm clouds again.

*I really like this Pope.  I like his humility and humanity.  I like that he is looking out for everyone and is not about pomp and circumstance.  He is what the world needs now.

*I get to take 1 niece and two nephews to lunch today, and I am so very excited.  Now that they are 23, 21, and 18, they are so interesting and fun to be with.  I am just glad that they let me hang out with them.

That wraps it up for this edition of Random Thoughts.  Stay tuned for future episodes of my stream of conscience.

Political Post - Consider This Fair Warning

 I have always been a "live and let live" kind of person.  I don't try to push my beliefs on others, and I don't appreciate having others push theirs on me.  I like to think that I have an open mind, so if you want to have a calm, rational discussion on a touchy topic, lets discuss, and perhaps I just might change my mind.  Even if that doesn't happen, at least I will have learned from the experience.

With that being said, I just can't understand why people think that it is okay for that crazy woman to deny a marriage license to same sex couples.  It is not a question of who is right or wrong, it is a question on whether or not this woman is doing her job.

First, if your beliefs don't allow you to perform your job duties as outlined by the law, then you should not be doing that job.

Second, if you are going to pick and choose which aspects of the Bible you are going to agree with, that is not very Christian of you.   Just like statistics, you can bend the Bible to say just about whatever you like.  I may be wrong here, and if I am, please let me know, but I think God wants us to live our lives as an example of kindness and compassion.  If you are a criminal element that causes harm to others, and I am on jury duty, then it is my duty to pass judgement. Even though I have been called for jury duty three times, I have never been on a jury, so my opinions should never have legal consequences to anyone.

Finally, I believe that this woman is going to end up as a sad footnote in history.  Her actions will be seen as being as ridiculous as people that tried to stop women from voting.  I believe that people that are in a committed relationship with another person should be given the same rights and consequences as this woman who has been married four times.  I believe my friends who have three children together should be able to visit one another in the hospital if one falls ill.  I believe that they should not lose their house to others when one of them passes away.  I believe that medical benefits should be provided to their whole family.

I am sad that a presidential candidate had a rally when she was released from jail; that he even shed a tear.  I want God to bless America, but I want him to bless all of us, not just ones deemed "normal" to those that stand in judgement of anyone that might be different.

Yes, I am still alive, and no, I have not emotionally abandoned this blog

I know it has been almost a year since I have written on this blog.  I have a million excuses why I haven't, most of them because I have been busy, and some because I haven't had the emotional energy, but mostly because I haven't taken the time to feed my own likes and hobbies since I am supporting those around me.

Colin is 15 and has completed his first year of  the wonderful world of High School.  I feel that he deserves his privacy and the opportunity to create his own online life.  He is amazing and talented and funny.  All of the things I was dreaming of for him are coming to fruition.  His wise-beyond-his-years personality has finally caught up with his chronological age, and it is so fun to watch him grow into himself.

Ryan is 10.  He is still a bundle of energy and joy and light.  He still makes me laugh every day, and he still makes me crazy.  His smile could light up the sun itself, but he also has the dead-eye stare that will one day strike fear in his children's hearts.  I think he got it from my dad.

In the last year, we have survived and actually enjoyed a season and a half of marching band, winter and summer swim, travel baseball and travel basketball.  We lived through Freshman Year in high school, and third grade.  All of this alone is a good excuse for why I haven't been writing.  I can thank Ryan's guardian angel for getting him through third grade math.  Thanks Sara!

This year we are living the high life as a member of safety patrol.  That has single-handedly made fourth grade the Best Year Ever.  I am a bit worried what is going to happen when the florescent sash has to be passed to the next guard as this is only a one month position.  Only one person gets to be the safety patrol captain who gets to be in charge all year, and there is some fierce competition.

As for me, I will continue to drive the kids to and fro from hither to yon in a quest to give them the same experiences that Dave and I had when we were growing up.  The chance to be a part of a team, and feel like they are involved in something bigger than  them.  For us, it is the chance to watch how far they have come, and dream about how far they can go.  After all, isn't that our job?  If not, tell me because this is a lot of work if I am doing it wrong.

Where I have been...

I have been considering abandoning this blog.  I know it looks as if I already have since I haven't posted for a while, but summer was crazy and it doesn't look like it is going to slow down for about 10 years.

Things that have happened since I last posted:

1.  My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.  It was an intimate gathering of the family that was there for them when they got married; the family they created in the 4 kids, 4 sons-in-law, and 10 grand kids; and the family they chose in the friends they have made along the way.  There was good food, good company, and I am so happy to be a part of their world.

2.  Laura was home for a whole month.  OK, not necessarily home, but in the area, so it felt like we got to spend time with her family for a whole month.

3.  Ryan has been playing flag football.  I was against this from the beginning as we all know that I am afraid that he is going to get hurt.  Let's face it, 9 year old boys have a very hard time not tackling when they are flinging themselves at each other trying to pull a flag, and I have seen my fair share of underwear when they grab the pants instead of the flag.  There is no safely equipment except for a mouth guard.  I think they should at least have a helmet for crying out loud.  Dave will never hear the end of it if something happens to him.

4.  Colin is in high school now and is in the marching band.  In our school this is a big deal as there are 240 or so kids in the band.  I have so much respect for these kids.  If someone told me that I would have to play an instrument and walk, sometimes backwards, I would tell them they are nuts. Colin plays the mellaphone which is a huge trumpet and he can't even see where he is going as the bell is too big to see around, and he has to march with his head up.  I am ridiculously proud of this kid.    

5.  School has started.  In fact, we are 1/2 way done with the first grading period already.  Once again, third grade math is bringing me to my knees.  I remember this with Colin as well.  Can someone please explain to me why we have to learn how to subtract using FOUR different methods? Is one not bad enough?  There has been a few nights of tear and gnashing of teeth, and it is not always Ryan with the issue.  One night I had to call my friend who teaches 2nd grade and have her translate for me.  I had never heard of a Landmark Number.  If he would have called it estimating, I would have understood.  Thanks Cindy!

It seems like I spend an inordinate amount of time in the car, and we are keeping Moe's Southwest Grill in business.  I had a bit of a panic attack when I realized that there was no more saying, "if we can just get through September things will calm down."  When band ends, swim team begins.  When flag football ends, basketball begins, and so on, and so on.  I have decided to just buckle up and enjoy the ride. People keep telling me it will be over before I know it anyway.

LeBron's Decision Part II

For the past week, it seemed like we had been held hostage by LeBron James as we waited for him to decide where he would take his talents. We have been down this road before when four years ago, he crushed Northeastern Ohio's collective hearts when he took them to South Beach.   I believed that our hometown boy was going to do right by us and stay to bring us the championship that he had promised.  He was hailed as the best basketball player that had ever lived and I bought into the hype.  This time I refused to open myself up again for the rejection.

Cleveland has suffered rejection before.  Let us not forget Carlos Boozer convincing Gordon Gund, the former owner of the Cavs, a blind man no less, to let him out of his contract with only his word that he would sign a new long term contract.  He then went and signed a multi-year contract with Utah. Most people don't even remember that.  It was not that James left, it was the way he did it.   We don't begrudge people the opportunity to take the best path in life.  To see what life is like somewhere else.  Heck, who hasn't wanted to go away for college or live on the beach?  The difference here is that most people don't hold an hour long press conference on prime time television to stick it to the place that has shown so much passion and respect.

I am happy that the decisions that I made when I was 25 didn't effect the economy of an entire region.  When I was 25 I made the biggest decision of my life when I married Dave. Aside from the 198 people that attended the wedding, nobody even cared.  (I assure you that those 198 people enjoyed a spectacular evening.)  LeBron was 25 when he made his decision to go to Miami.  For the previous five years, he and his family had every whim and wish catered to.  In short, he was a spoiled brat.  I am glad that people can't remember what a brat I was when I was at that age.

LeBron has grown up.  He is a father of two with one on the way.  He has had four years (the equivalent of a standard college education) to experience life away from home.  He has had four years to recover from the backlash of the Decision part I.  I am not sure that he was expecting us to react so strongly since he had never been shown anything but love.  Cleveland was justifiably upset by the betrayal and I think it took all of us time to recover.  That time is now.

I don't think people outside of this area fully understand what LeBron brings to us.  Cav's season tickets sold out in eight hours.  That means that all of the home games will be sold out bringing people downtown to eat and shop.  The city of Cleveland is electric.  There is true joy in the air.  In the past week, Cleveland has landed the Republican National Convention and the prodigal son is coming home.  Perhaps this will show people that Cleveland has come a long way from being the "Mistake on the Lake." Just like LeBron should not be judged for his youthful mistakes, Cleveland should be judged on what it is now not 40 years ago.

LeBron is coming home.  He finally understands what this area has to offer, not only for himself,  but for his family as well. I think he finally understands that nobody will love him like we do.  He understands that when he is here, we are all better.  I think he understands that he can make a big difference in the lives of the people that live here.   He understands that this is a great place to raise a family and most importantly, he understands that there really is no place like home.

Fourth of July Round-up

The Fourth of July is always a busy time for my family.  Dave and I got married 18 years ago on Sunday.  It is still the happiest day of my life, and the best decision I ever made.  The weekend included a surprise (at least to me) visit from Laura, the neighborhood breakfast, a trip to Medina for the parade, an Artfest followed by dinner with Dave, and ended with fireworks.

I am focusing on the fireworks for several reasons.
1.  Dave loves fireworks.  I am indifferent.  He will seek them out, and I am content to go along for the ride.
2.  There is generally great people watching at fireworks.  I LOVE to people watch.  It is a true study in human behavior, and this year did not disappoint.

We intentionally arrived way early to the festivities so we could get a good seat.  We had a spot scoped out from last year, so we wanted to make sure we could sit there again.  We were some of the first people to arrive, so any spot on the lawn was ours for the taking.  We very carefully selected our spot on top of the hill so we would not have any trees in our way.  We laid out our blankets and set up our chairs and the boys started to play catch and play with sparklers.  We had two hours worth of snacks and entertainment spread out before us and were having a great time.  It was small time Americana at it's best.

About 40 minutes into our experience, a man came and sat upwind from us and lit a stogie.  Who does that? I realize we were at an outdoor event, but COME ON, did he really not think that the 50 or so people around him wouldn't notice!  Colin is very sensitive to this kind of thing and my options were to call this guy out, or to move.  The guy was kind of scary looking, and we all know that I avoid confrontation with strangers like the plague, so we moved our two blankets, seven chairs, 1 cooler and 4 bags of stuff.  We were no longer sitting on top of the hill with no trees in our way.Putting that behind us, the fireworks were really good and the kids had a good time.  We were all in a really good mood, and I, in particular, was feeling quite patriotic as we started the long trek back to our car.

Did I mention that we arrived two hours early?  When we got there the parking lot was empty.  We carefully chose our parking place so we were facing the exit and were at the end of the row so we could just pull forward.  We were following  traffic jam etiquette by letting one person in front of us per row.  Apparently the lady in the Ford Expedition did not understand or follow the common traffic jam etiquette, and when we got to her row and let the person in front of us out, she expected the same for her.  Dave proceeded to move forward and the lady drove as close to us as possible without t-boning me and then turned her bright lights on right next to my face.

I could understand her desire to get out of the parking lot as she had two spawns of Satan kids in her back seat. Perhaps she had to go to the bathroom, and I would never fault someone for not wanting to use a port a potty.  Perhaps she was sharing her car with Smelly Stogie Man, but for crying out loud, WHO DOES THIS?   I can't say as I have ever had such a thing happen before.

The bottom line is that we had a lovely evening with family and one of Will's friends.  They were so sweet to Ryan playing catch with him, helping him with the sparklers, and he even sat between them for the show.  He will carry this memory forever.  These are the kind of days that recharge my soul and keep me going.  These people are the reason that I stay in Ohio even though we had one of the worst winters on record.   Days like this are the reason that this will always be my home.

Parenting 101

I think it goes without saying that I have never said, nor will I ever say that I am a perfect parent.  I am far from it.  I consider it a successful day when my kids are clean, fed and safe.  It can go either way on the clean and/or the fed, but I have been accused, more than once, of being overprotective.  It is a true case of "if keeping my kids safe is wrong, I don't ever want to be right."

Currently Ryan is mad at me because I won't let him play flag football.  To me, it is the gateway sport to tackle football.  There is no doubt in my mind that he would make an excellent player, and that is part of the problem.  He will really like playing, and catch the attention of some coach that will want him to go to the next level.  He is big, and kind of fast, and very enthusiastic.  How do I say no then?  It is hard enough for me to watch him playing baseball after the unfortunate incident last year.  Can we just take a moment to imagine how bad it would be for all of us if he got hurt playing football?

Enough about that.  Here is where I was really going with this post.  Over the weekend I was working a trade show booth in a very popular, open-to-the-public area attraction.  I was in a conference room that held five or six booths.  I had been working about 45 minutes when this small child walked into the conference room.  There had been a lot of kids with parents walking through all day, so I didn't think too much about it.  After a few minutes all the other visitors walked out and this child was still there as more people came in.  I kept my eye on him until he wandered over my way.  I asked him where his parents were and he said that his mom was out in the hallway, leading me to believe that he walked ahead of her and she would be coming in a few moments.  I told him to hang out with me until she got there, and I gave him my phone to play with until we found her.  Fifteen minutes later there was still no sign of her, so the lady from the booth next to mine went to find her.  Meanwhile this child had built something on Minecraft and had mastered Ham on the Run.  (Go on, I dare you not to sing "Band on the Run.  I know, it is impossible.)

It turns out that his mother was out in the hallway where there were other vendors.  I understand how hard it is to get a babysitter, not to mention how expensive it can be, but this child had been with me for TWENTY MINUTES and she had not missed him.  How could she have possibly expected this baby to stay with her for hours on end unsupervised.  There were over 3000 people attending this Expo, not to mention the regular people that would have been there for the actual attraction.  This kid was very willing to talk to me and also very willing to play with my phone and eat the candy that was on my table.  The only thing I was missing was the puppy and I could have had the kidnapper's hat trick of cliches.  It was a disaster waiting to happen. Over the course of the next few hours he wandered in four or five more times.

I really try to mind my own business and not to judge other people's parenting styles because, as Robin Robert's mother says, Everybody's Got Something.  Lord knows I have no right to cast the first stone.   I don't know this family's story, and frankly it is none of my business. I am sure this child is rambunctious and ornery and pushes his mom to her very limit, much like Ryan does to me.   I am just sending up some thanks to this child's guardian angel and hoping she sticks close, because that family is going to need it.

Now if mine can help me with this flag football problem and convince Dave and Ryan to pursue a less dangerous hobby, I would really appreciate it.