Today is Colin's eleventh birthday. I can't believe he is 11, and I can't believe I am old enough to have a child that old. Of course, having a baby will change your life, but believing and understanding that I was having a baby was a process.
I remember finding out I was pregnant. I was at my sister's house sleeping on a pull out bed in her living room. I woke up at 4:00 in the morning and decided that I would go ahead a take the test. Before I could even blink the stick turned blue. I went and told Dave and then we sat straight up on the bed waiting for someone else to wake up so we could share our shock. I remember thinking that the Train Had Left The Station, and there was no going back now.
I remember the first time I heard his heartbeat. "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" by Savage Garden was playing on the radio. Hearing the heartbeat made it seem real in my heart that I was having a baby, but in my head it was still a blob. I couldn't see him yet as I wasn't showing, I had no unusual symptoms like morning sickness or weird cravings, all I really had to prove that I was pregnant was a blue stick. Hearing the heartbeat made me start thinking that this was for real.
Before I went for my ultrasound my sister told me that I should be prepared to be surprised at what I saw, but I didn't really give it a lot of thought. Then the technician put the wand on my stomach. There he was, waving his little hand at us. I could see the chambers in his heart, his skull, and all of his fingers and toes. We could see his face. It was at that moment that my life changed forever. At that moment I knew I was a MOM. No matter what happened from here I was never going to look at the world the same. He was real to me.
On February 7th, he came into the world. All 23 inches of him. In what has proved to be true for the rest of his life he took his own sweet time. Fourteen hours of time. My worst fear was realized when my first sign of labor was my water breaking. Luckily I was at home and did not have to move for a fresh start. I could never recover from being that mortified in public.
For me it was not the choirs of angels singing songs of love. I kind of wondered if I should have taken a test before they let me be responsible for this kid. I was very uncomfortable and scared as hell. My real thoughts were something along the lines of WHAT IN ALL THAT IS HOLY HAVE I DONE.
We did take that baby home and I now am so totally in love this child that I have become a steal rod, unbending when it comes to his needs. I am not the fun mom who is his friend. I am his protector, educator, his soft place to land. I am his biggest fan, and his voice of reason. He does not like me every day, but I tell him and show him every day that I love him all the same.
I am his mother that makes the rules and makes him stick to them. I am told that I am mean and that he hates me. I am okay with this and don't think I am doing my job if he thinks otherwise. Right now I am what he needs. Hopefully when he gets older we can be friends.