My anxiety level has been through the roof. I feel like I would like to crawl out of my skin and nobody has been safe around me. Dave and my mom have been doing everything they can to take any irritation out of my way, but this is no way for me to live, or for them to have to live. I don't like the feeling of being out of control and holding on by a thread. I deserve better, and I know they do, too.
Today I started to take back my life by starting private yoga lessons. My yoga instructor told me that I am a natural. One of the things we talked about was setting healthy boundaries. This has always been a problem for me because I am the nurturer. I am always the peacemaker, and the one to try to take care of everyone else. It has become apparent to me that I am not doing a very good job of taking care of myself, let alone anyone else. Something has to give, and lately I have been dangerously close to having that be my sanity.
I tend to take the path of least resistance. Ryan pushes me to my limit on everything. By the end of the day I feel like all we have done is fight. He takes pleasure in the fight because he gets my attention and usually ends up getting whatever he wanted in the first place. When AJ* came over today that was the first thing she noticed. Between Ryan and Max jumping all over the place it was obvious to her that I was not in charge. When she said that I was offended until I realized that she was right. It is time for a new revolution. If I can't control Ryan when he is five, how do I expect to do it when he is 15?
This is not going to be easy for me, and I am sure it will not be easy for some of the people around me. If we all work together I think it will make for much healthier relationships in the long run. Ryan, among others, is in for a rude awakening, and God please grant me the strength I will need to correct habits that are 5 years in the making.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent